Protected: I’m tired

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Protected: Dear dear I love you so much!

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Love is a gamble. Buy big or small?

It seems my posts are getting shorter and shorter by day.

Well some small snippets before stuff are gone without a trace, given how short-termed-memory I have.

Just saw some pre-wedding shots of Jac. They’re not really the real thing. Just pictures of how the photoshoot went. I really went “owwwww” with all her gowns, drop-dead gorgeous. Seriously I haven seen such nice and unique gowns in Singapore yet. And no wonder, she didnt do it in Sg at all. They were taken at Johore Bahru. Really, I encourage couples to go MA to take photoshoot. Not only makeup and hairstyling better, gowns are gorgeous and has great variety, prices are friendly as well. Jac had like 8 gowns!! To think I thought I already had too many when I had 5. =P Jac looked so slim and stunning in all. I really love and envy her height. Sigh, if only I can grow taller.

I must feed my baby(if ever I have 1) with milk and calcium everyday and force him/her to skip 1000times per day so that they grow up tall and not as short as me. =P

Movie title: Ghost of girlfriend’s past
Ratings: 4/5
Comments: Upon rain’s good review that it’s a great comedy, I urged dearie to catch it with me, throwing our original first choice “Blood, the last vampire” aside. Perhaps I had too high expectations or lost my sense of humour, I didnt really laugh alottt during a show. But it’s still a nice, meaningful and funny flick. The trailer looks lame but it’s not.

Come to think of it, I’m kinda like Connor, the male lead too, when I was younger. Of course I dont mean I’m a heart breaker like him lah with this face of mine. I merely meant, I was very hesitant to get deeply involved with any guy too. Just any guy. The moment when one got under my skin, I will tear away. It’s a reflex action. I was like that since…I think since 21. That’s most probably because I got a giant heartbreak when I was 21. That’s perfectly normal I guess, for someone who was betrayed by someone she loved and trusted so much at that time. From then on, I’m just very…well…cant really love easily. Sad eh~

I liked people. I liked girls. I liked boys. I liked men. But it stayed there. It’s very difficult to advance forward. But I was happy. Very happy. Happily single, happily being carefree and unattached, without any qualms. Go out with whoever I like and spare the need to report to anyone who claims to own me. I wont say I enjoy them losing sleep over me, I’m just very bo chup and couldnt care less…and more of…”please stop all this nonsense”, “nahz, you will be fine after few weeks” and “common, you wont die without me, there’re so many girls out there!” kinda things. And if I sensed things might be crossing the line or I’m sinking in, in any way, I’ll just disappear.

Just like Connor in the show.

I dont wan to be vulnerable and subject myself to the risk of ever being hurt, of ever being sad and anything that risk my current state of equilibrium. I was at the top of my life and am fine with it. NOTHING can spoil that momentum and I disallow anyone who even attempts it. I dont want to be soft. Or expose my weakness because I know, so long so I remained in love with nobody, I will always be in control.

In control of my mind, my heart, my life. What can be better? =)

And through time, it sort of became a habit..and became instilled in me. That I probably had forgotten how to love. I even doubt myself am I able to love someone again.

Familiar words rang again and again in my ears.

“You always set up a wall to guard your heart..”

“Whenever someone starts loving you….you’ll go and hide…It’s not normal.”

“It’s so hard to love you…”

They crept at me once in a bluemoon whenever the same familiar feelings tug at my heart. I’m a human. I will feel touched whenever someone treats me well, loves me for who I am and am contented with what I have to offer. But no matter how I tried to love, it just seems so hard. And when I knew I had became not only the source of happiness, but also sadness to people I hold dear, I chose to leave because I want them to be happy, to be free of such entanglements. Because I KNOW(and believed at that time) that one will always be happy if he/she dont have any 牵挂.

It’s very very difficult to point a finger to the kind of feelings I had with them. It’s like, not really friendship but not really relationship, though I swear s*x was never involved. I draw the line at friendship hugs. No hold hands too. Perhaps that’s why, I was being treated like a gem? I dont know..but from what I know AND believe, it’s always wise to keep away from the 3 letter word unless you’re so sure you got a man’s heart and commitment. And, the thing with boys, the thing which they never can get, always seem the most divine and sacred, when…sometimes they’re not really a big deal. Lol.

Of course I’m not discouraging all the girls out there to refrain sex from the boyfriends la..else I will be chopped like carrots by all the guys. Lol.

I used to think, why, why cant people believe in platonic friendship? Or why, a girl and boy cant be the best of confidants? While I heard stories about guys not committing, I was amused because it doesnt seem to be the case with me. It seemed that IT was the problem.

Whenever a friendship got too heavy, and things crossed the line, I cant help feeling amused, annoyed, exasperated and irritated, in THAT order as the incidents got more and more frequent.

Why, why cant…cant…things stay the same?

Why the need to “change” things or status for that matter?

Arent we okie now?

Why force me to make a decision? To buy “big”(commit a relationship) or buy “small”(rejection of a relationship)? I dont like to gamble, I dont like risks.

So if I buy “big” and lose, I break my heart, if things dont go well as a couple. I always avoid betting on “big” because large stakes are at hand, i.e, my heart.

How about “small” then? If I win, yeah, we’ll still friends. =) But if I lose, then no more friends. =(

You can be sure most of the times I betted “small” and lost.

So what’s the best bet?

DONT BET LOR. Just let things remainnnn the same!

But it’s impossible. Impossible. Sometimes, you just have to place your bet! Extreme duress and coercion. =P

So far I betted thrice on “big” and many times on “small”.

Any winnings?

All lost la. Except 1.

You never heard of “十赌九输” 吗?

Precisely loh.

But kinda think of it, one of which/whom I betted “big” and lost, I did got a “consolation” prize instead, not totally lose. Because…we’re still friends. =)

And the only one bet which I won, is of course my current hubby. =) I’m enjoying my winnings up till now, so far so good, haven spend finish. Oh and there’s a difference between this particular bet and all the other bets.

I betted on this/him willingly. 🙂

Damn, I admire my guts. Large stakes okie!

Protected: Shelled

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Guys please read

Sigh. So vexed recently.

I know I might not have the biggest problem in the world but sometimes I also have my “down” times.

And dearie is the least caring and sensitive man alive…sometimes it’s unbearable to keep all up inside me, not that it makes a difference to tell him.

Yes. Perhaps it makes a difference; I felt worse. ZzZz.

And so I told him, or in fact all the guys in the world;

When a lady is down, she just wants a listening ear and some sort of positive insight or optmistic motivation. She doesnt need your logical, sensible solution or intellectual wisdom. She merely wants a soft approach of consolation which will make her feel better and not worse.

When I told dearie that, he gave me a perplexed look as if I’m speaking a foreign language. Sigh. And hence I quoted him an example, which might be easier to understand.

For example: A scenario, Relationship Problem
A friend is feeling devastated with the loss of a loved girlfriend, whom you feel is totally not worth it.

Examples of The Do’s (Soft approach)
1) You’re a sweet and wonderful gem, just that she doesnt know how to appreciate you.
2) You will definitely meet nicer girls who are worth it. There’s a big forest out there and you’re still so young, so dont worry ya
3) Next week we go drink/club okie, I’ll intro you some of my female friends. Chio one okie.

Examples of The Dont’s (Hard approach)
1) why are you crying over that b*tch who is so not worth it? It’s no use crying over split milk since she’s already gone
2) You shouldnt waste your time missing her. Do more constructive thing instead of dwelling in pity
3) I dont understand why you are so into her? Just dont think about her already

You see, both are words of consolations, just that the former is a softer approach and more welcoming for the first time the issue was shared while the later is a harsher version. Usually people use the hard approach AFTER the 3rd soft approach on the same issue, when you feel you need to knock some sense into a friend who has been dwelling for too long.

So, it’s my first time only mah, for my issue. So I really cant appreciate his hard approach which only makes me feel worse. And he’s telling me he doesnt know how to console me, he only knows how to give a logical, sensible solution instead of any soft or meaningless consolation.

I scoffed.

He thinks I’m not sensible enough to feel the right way?

He thinks I’m not logical enough to know what’s the right thing to do?

Of course I know.

I KNOW I shouldnt feel this way.

I KNOW what I need to do.

But all people have their “down” time. It’s just a short period to express all your pent-up negative feelings, we termed as EMO. It’s a period where the brain takes some time off and the heart is in control. But after that period ends, we’re fine and our heads will be back on my shoulders again instead of letting our hearts rule and letting our raw, sensitive feelings get the better of us.

Then he started to complain, my issue wasnt really relationship problem, so a soft approach isnt very applicable.

*rOllz eyes*

Sometimes I cant stand him trying to argue his way through with implausible excuses.

The relationship problem is just an analogy. He’s just plain lousy at consoling people. Immediately I gave him a few examples of the Soft Approach for my issue at hand.

Awareness dwelled.

And his ultimate quote: “I’m really not good at consolations. I need you to tell me what to say in order to console you and make you feel better.”

WINNER! So everytime I’m down, I need to teach this hopelessly insensitive man on HOW TO CONSOLE ME WOR!!

Then I sibei bo eng(busy) lor.

Already sad liao, still have to give teaching lessons.

Poor me. Life is so tough.

The difference between a good therapist and a bad one?

The good one makes you feel…
“ahhh….it’s not as bad as it looks…it’s just a small problem and things will be fine.”

The bad one?
“…the world just caved in…and cant you shut up already.”

And so I told him, my heart need to be very strong with him. Because sometimes I cant feel he’s standing alongside me, although he is. But he just have a way of making himself invisible that is. Bah!

And for the like hundredth time, please stop telling me “Adrian doesnt look like that leh(as in the kind of person he is)”

I know I know, he looks like an angel right and I look like the devil.

But it’s LOOKS only okie! The similarities end there.

He’s seriously not as angelic as he looks lah.

Some qualities which he LOOKS as if he possesses, but actually he DID not.

1) Sensitive
2) Caring
3) Sympathetic
4) Family man
5) LOVES kids
6) Likes to settle down early
7) 会做人。(E.g, buying new year goodies to gf’s house/buying fruits for a hospitalised Mother-In-Law)

So quit all your fantasies or whatever misconceptions you have about him and stop hounding me about bullying him okie.

“Adrian人很好,你不要欺负他leh。”

“我人也很好! 为什么你不叫他别欺负我leh?”

When the dont-know-50th time comes in, really is 佛也发火.

真是气死我了!

I know he has other good qualities, much more than his shortcomings, of course, else I wouldnt have love him so much and marry him. And I know there’s no perfection in this world. I merely meant to remind myself that he cant(and not that he dont want) provide any 强心针 for me in any misfortunate event and my heart and mind got to be stronger. Thank god I still have few good friends who can lend a helping hand for moral support..else I think I might just die..since family cant lend much real support too.

Like some people who can fall back on parents financially, I know I’m one who cant. If I fall, they’ll fall too. So it’s especially tough and very stressful when I know that I cant fall. On the contrary, people who feel they always can fall back on their parents, tends to fall more often. Because they kept thinking that behind them there’s a cushion.

Circumstances make people..it’s mostly true. So I hope all this makes a tougher me. I dont know why many people have this misconception that my life has always been rosy. Actually it’s not so in the past. Although now I’m still Ok lah.

Protected: Heart Matters

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