Love is a gamble. Buy big or small?

It seems my posts are getting shorter and shorter by day.

Well some small snippets before stuff are gone without a trace, given how short-termed-memory I have.

Just saw some pre-wedding shots of Jac. They’re not really the real thing. Just pictures of how the photoshoot went. I really went “owwwww” with all her gowns, drop-dead gorgeous. Seriously I haven seen such nice and unique gowns in Singapore yet. And no wonder, she didnt do it in Sg at all. They were taken at Johore Bahru. Really, I encourage couples to go MA to take photoshoot. Not only makeup and hairstyling better, gowns are gorgeous and has great variety, prices are friendly as well. Jac had like 8 gowns!! To think I thought I already had too many when I had 5. =P Jac looked so slim and stunning in all. I really love and envy her height. Sigh, if only I can grow taller.

I must feed my baby(if ever I have 1) with milk and calcium everyday and force him/her to skip 1000times per day so that they grow up tall and not as short as me. =P

Movie title: Ghost of girlfriend’s past
Ratings: 4/5
Comments: Upon rain’s good review that it’s a great comedy, I urged dearie to catch it with me, throwing our original first choice “Blood, the last vampire” aside. Perhaps I had too high expectations or lost my sense of humour, I didnt really laugh alottt during a show. But it’s still a nice, meaningful and funny flick. The trailer looks lame but it’s not.

Come to think of it, I’m kinda like Connor, the male lead too, when I was younger. Of course I dont mean I’m a heart breaker like him lah with this face of mine. I merely meant, I was very hesitant to get deeply involved with any guy too. Just any guy. The moment when one got under my skin, I will tear away. It’s a reflex action. I was like that since…I think since 21. That’s most probably because I got a giant heartbreak when I was 21. That’s perfectly normal I guess, for someone who was betrayed by someone she loved and trusted so much at that time. From then on, I’m just very…well…cant really love easily. Sad eh~

I liked people. I liked girls. I liked boys. I liked men. But it stayed there. It’s very difficult to advance forward. But I was happy. Very happy. Happily single, happily being carefree and unattached, without any qualms. Go out with whoever I like and spare the need to report to anyone who claims to own me. I wont say I enjoy them losing sleep over me, I’m just very bo chup and couldnt care less…and more of…”please stop all this nonsense”, “nahz, you will be fine after few weeks” and “common, you wont die without me, there’re so many girls out there!” kinda things. And if I sensed things might be crossing the line or I’m sinking in, in any way, I’ll just disappear.

Just like Connor in the show.

I dont wan to be vulnerable and subject myself to the risk of ever being hurt, of ever being sad and anything that risk my current state of equilibrium. I was at the top of my life and am fine with it. NOTHING can spoil that momentum and I disallow anyone who even attempts it. I dont want to be soft. Or expose my weakness because I know, so long so I remained in love with nobody, I will always be in control.

In control of my mind, my heart, my life. What can be better? =)

And through time, it sort of became a habit..and became instilled in me. That I probably had forgotten how to love. I even doubt myself am I able to love someone again.

Familiar words rang again and again in my ears.

“You always set up a wall to guard your heart..”

“Whenever someone starts loving you….you’ll go and hide…It’s not normal.”

“It’s so hard to love you…”

They crept at me once in a bluemoon whenever the same familiar feelings tug at my heart. I’m a human. I will feel touched whenever someone treats me well, loves me for who I am and am contented with what I have to offer. But no matter how I tried to love, it just seems so hard. And when I knew I had became not only the source of happiness, but also sadness to people I hold dear, I chose to leave because I want them to be happy, to be free of such entanglements. Because I KNOW(and believed at that time) that one will always be happy if he/she dont have any 牵挂.

It’s very very difficult to point a finger to the kind of feelings I had with them. It’s like, not really friendship but not really relationship, though I swear s*x was never involved. I draw the line at friendship hugs. No hold hands too. Perhaps that’s why, I was being treated like a gem? I dont know..but from what I know AND believe, it’s always wise to keep away from the 3 letter word unless you’re so sure you got a man’s heart and commitment. And, the thing with boys, the thing which they never can get, always seem the most divine and sacred, when…sometimes they’re not really a big deal. Lol.

Of course I’m not discouraging all the girls out there to refrain sex from the boyfriends la..else I will be chopped like carrots by all the guys. Lol.

I used to think, why, why cant people believe in platonic friendship? Or why, a girl and boy cant be the best of confidants? While I heard stories about guys not committing, I was amused because it doesnt seem to be the case with me. It seemed that IT was the problem.

Whenever a friendship got too heavy, and things crossed the line, I cant help feeling amused, annoyed, exasperated and irritated, in THAT order as the incidents got more and more frequent.

Why, why cant…cant…things stay the same?

Why the need to “change” things or status for that matter?

Arent we okie now?

Why force me to make a decision? To buy “big”(commit a relationship) or buy “small”(rejection of a relationship)? I dont like to gamble, I dont like risks.

So if I buy “big” and lose, I break my heart, if things dont go well as a couple. I always avoid betting on “big” because large stakes are at hand, i.e, my heart.

How about “small” then? If I win, yeah, we’ll still friends. =) But if I lose, then no more friends. =(

You can be sure most of the times I betted “small” and lost.

So what’s the best bet?

DONT BET LOR. Just let things remainnnn the same!

But it’s impossible. Impossible. Sometimes, you just have to place your bet! Extreme duress and coercion. =P

So far I betted thrice on “big” and many times on “small”.

Any winnings?

All lost la. Except 1.

You never heard of “十赌九输” 吗?

Precisely loh.

But kinda think of it, one of which/whom I betted “big” and lost, I did got a “consolation” prize instead, not totally lose. Because…we’re still friends. =)

And the only one bet which I won, is of course my current hubby. =) I’m enjoying my winnings up till now, so far so good, haven spend finish. Oh and there’s a difference between this particular bet and all the other bets.

I betted on this/him willingly. 🙂

Damn, I admire my guts. Large stakes okie!

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